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Another lovely crafted Hate-filled diatrabe. 2005-09-08 - 10:21 a.m. This morning started off rough…totally gray and cloudy. It was hard to get going because of that. My whole office is moving slowly this morning so I don’t feel so bad…it must not just be me. Last night Kim and I came home from work, folded the last of the clean laundry and then went to the gym. I did a little under 30 minutes on a treadmill reading a few pages of a new William Marshall bio that WT loaned me. Then I sweated in the sauna for a while. Today’s weight…ugh…258. Fatty, fat, fat, fat! Yes, you’ll have gravy on those French fries won’t you fatty!!!! Good grief. I’m listening to BNL and taking a little break from work for a minute, so this might ramble…. I admit that I’m slightly nervous about having the practice/hang out weekend…I know that usually I would just say, yeah, it’s all good, but I’m not really at that place right now. I’m feeling a little insecure as a teacher right now, and I need to buckle down and remember fundamentals. I have no plan right now for how to approach practicing and I need to get my brain around that. I’m trying to incorporate some new-ish approaches in my fighting right now and that makes for a unsettled mind. It’s harder to be confident that I can actually teach others when I am changing some internal philosophies and language. A new challenge!! That’s the best spin I can put on it. Spin Doctor that I am. I have been really scattered recently…I think it might be stress or depression, not sure. My driving has gone to shit for one thing. Maybe I’m always that out of it and reckless, or maybe I’m just not that awake in the morning, but the last couple of mornings have been tough. Not insurmountable, but again, another challenge. Byram’s are nocturnal by nature…. Let’s see what else is happening…people are sending too much in the way of clothing to NOLA right now…send it to Mississippi! They need it more there right now…where do you think the majority of the refugees are? The clothing is going to start to rot down there…they need money folks, donations to the Red Cross, to groups that know what they need on the ground…. One of my Order lists has exploded, it bad enough that members are leaking information in less than 24 hours to candidates (no one really thinks that the lists are completely leak proof but good grief! That kinda shit is really, really hard on folks! They should know better!), and drama ensues. Also, it finally happened. Someone’s blog was used against them on an sca order list. This the problem folks, listen up: THIS DIARY IS NOT PRIVATE! If it was, it would be locked. Otherwise any fool with a Computer and a knowledge of Google can find the stuff you write in grief, angry, despair…it’s like standing up in the middle of an event and loosing your cool, people notice! Not everyone that reads your comments are your friend or even likes you! There is a false sense of security here, but it doesn’t exist. I’ve certainly created drama with this stupid little rant page, and I try to be vague when I am truly angry for just that reason. All that does usually is lead to friends contacting me wanting to know what is going on…it’s a cry out for attention when you do that sorta stuff and adds no value at all. I’m terribly sorry for the individual, but I’m more upset that order list stuff was leaked. I had this happen to me several times and it was really, really damaging to my ego to hear criticism with out context. Some folks like me, will buckle down and say, “Well, screw that, I’ll show them!” (Which can be good if it spurs the candidate on to better things, like in the case of my laurel) or bad when it leads down a path of bitterness and unfounded anger at the Order. (Like I believe happened with my knighting for some time…). What all of you need to realize about the Orders is this. YES, we do look at public persona, and private deeds as well. Once you are in, it is nearly impossible to get you out or even to chide you…so we want to make sure you share the order’s values and ‘get it’ as far as what the peerages are suppose to be about. If you freak out about the fact that you are being watched, then guess what, you probably aren’t ready yet. That’s ok too. If your work is there in all three of the fields, you will get the award one day. But self-respect and the respect of your fellows is much more important. Be strong, this too shall pass. If you can’t hand criticism and examination, then you really, really don’t need to be a peer. Every move and action are judged by someone, usually some one that is either bitter, naïve, or unhappy. I can tell you that the scrutiny I get as a Knight and a Laurel is much more intense and long lasting than it was being a candidate for either of those Orders. And why is that? Because as a peer you have the power to effect what the SCA is to people, especially new/newer people. The proverbial “Bad Knight” or “Evil Laurel” stories you heard are based usually on some newish (by new I’m talking 5 years or less depending on activity level and geography, but for some folks it is less, and for others more…) person’s first experience with a peer. Often it is more about that new persons insecurities than any real thing the Peer has done wrong, but the effect is the same. And that story gets told and retold and “Peer Fear” builds. Craziness. Listen folks, I put my braises on one leg at a time, just like the rest of you. The difference is, in the Society, I’ve been recognized for excellence in a couple of fields. That doesn’t mean that no matter how hard I try to be noble and generous that I don’t have an absolutely shitty day. Sometimes that comes through in dumb-ass emails that I send to group lists (thought I really try and think hard before I post something) or a surly Byram at an event or practice. I’ll make a deal with you, you let me know where I can get sanctified and all of those bad personality traits traded in for the ideal, saintly persona, and I’ll be the first one in line. Until then, cut me some slack. As to Blogs, I can get away with saying some pretty outrageous things, but NO, not all of you can. I know that rankles our modern American sense of fairness, but that’s the way it is. I’m still under scrutiny; it’s just a different type. Sure! I can have my pee-pee smacked by a group of peers and friends, you better believe it happens. And I have my lady, who is the guardian of my honor, too often it falls to her to talk me down from a ledge, or let me know when I am in left field. (I love that woman!) . We all are under some sort of scrutiny, whether we are on a SCA watchlist or not, all the time. That is just the way that the world works…if you can’t deal with that, please, please lock your diaries and blogs. Or don’t be surprised when the angry rant you post at 4am gets brought up months and years later. Doesn’t mean that some folks won’t weigh circumstances and all your good works and public face against that, but they will still judge what is put into the written word, good or ill. You can’t strike it from the record in the real world. Folks use their judgment and intellect and have long, long memories. So believe in what you say enough to weather the slings and arrows, or keep it off the internet. And that, my good friends, fellows, loves, and enemies, if quite enough for one day… previous - next

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